


Stakeout

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Action/Adventure, Ficlet, Friendship, Post-Hogwarts, The Quidditch Pitch: Leaving Feast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-20
Updated: 2006-01-20
Packaged: 2018-10-27 10:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10807695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Ron wants a bitch. Enter Draco





	Stakeout

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes: slash pairing, CRACK, cross-dressing, CRACK  
 **Notes:** for Kerry. ♥ Beta by [](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=eckerlilas)[](http://eckerlilas.livejournal.com/)**eckerlilas**.  


* * *

"I don't understand why we can't use simple cleaning spells."  
  
Harry stifled a laugh as Ron sneezed from the hoard of dust bunnies that emerged from under the couch.  
  
"We're on a stakeout, Ron," Harry explained for the millionth time since they had arrived at the cottage. "Any magic we use can be traced."  
  
"Surely there's an easier way?" Ron made a face as one of the bunnies clung onto his shirt rather persistently.  
  
"You wouldn't last five minutes as a Muggle," Harry remarked, shaking his head. He walked over to his lover and knelt down to embrace him, conspicuously picking off the dust bunny as he did so.  
  
"You know what we need," Ron said brightly. "A bitch."  
  
"A bitch?" Harry couldn't stop from grinning into Ron's hair.  
  
"Yeah. Isn't that what they call Muggle House-Elves?"  
  
"No, they're called 'maids'. Where did you get 'bitch' from?"  
  
Ron scrunched up his face in thought. "I remember the twins saying something about ordering a bitch when they were on holiday last year. They told me it could be a wizard or a witch, and they clean your house, 'amongst other things'. They were rather cryptic about the 'other things', though."  
  
Harry had to bite his tongue. Sometimes Ron could be so oblivious; he couldn't help but have a little fun with him.  
  
"How does one go about ordering this 'bitch'?" he asked innocently.  
  
"Well, it's this invention of theirs," Ron explained. "It's not available to the public, but they gave me one to test out for them. No better time than now, eh?"  
  
Leaning back against the couch, Harry crossed his arms and tried not to look amused. This was going to be good.  
  
Ron retrieved a small object from his bag, and Harry was disappointed to see that it was a tarnished-looking belt buckle. "It's kind of like a Portkey," said Ron. "They took a random object and put a spell on it to summon the bitch directly to your door. You just have to rub it and think about the work you need done. It shouldn't cast any magical signatures."  
  
Harry smirked. "Go ahead, then. Summon us a bitch."  
  
Ron scrunched up his face again as he rubbed the belt buckle vigorously. After a few seconds, the buckle grew red and Ron immediately dropped it with a gasp. At the same time, there was a lazy knock on the door.  
  
Harry exchanged a look with Ron and darted towards the door, wand in hand. He looked through the peep hole and could barely believe what he saw.  
  
Draco Malfoy, in all of his glory, stood on the doorstep. His blond hair was spiked up in several different directions, and his pale skin had been pierced several times in the face and tattooed almost everywhere else. He was wearing what could only be classified as a French maid's outfit, complete with fishnet stockings and heels. And was that _eyeliner_?  
  
Harry flung open the door and doubled over in laugher. "Malfoy, what the fuck -?"  
  
"It pays better than the Death Eaters," Malfoy said briskly, shoving rather rudely past Harry and inspecting the inside of the cottage. Harry noticed that he was quite the expert at walking in heels. "In-depth cleaning, no magic, right? Is that all you needed?"  
  
Malfoy looked at Ron expectantly, and Harry studied the look of disbelief on Ron's face. He also developed a very un-manly case of the giggles.  
  
"Well, you've got your bitch, Ron," Harry said needlessly. "I suppose we just sit back and watch now, eh?"  
  
Turning his attention to Harry, Malfoy smirked in what could only be described as a Malfoy-like manner. "I'm guessing Weasley didn't tell you _exactly_ what his brothers' product entails? Not only do you get someone to do all of your dirty work, but you also get the object of your deepest fantasies." He met Harry's eyes. " _Sexual_ fantasies."  
  
Harry's laughter stopped abruptly and he stared at Ron, whose face had turned as red as his hair. "Ron? You secretly fantasize about a punk Malfoy in a _dress_?"  
  
Ron let out a sort of strangled squeak as he nodded his head, his eyes never leaving Malfoy.  
  
Harry grinned. "Me too!"  
  
"Really?" exclaimed Ron.  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
Malfoy rolled his black-lined eyes. "I knew it. Granger owes me ten Galleons."  
  
Harry crossed the room and took Ron into his arms, dipping him backwards slightly as he kissed him heatedly. He led him over to the couch and placed himself in Ron's lap, wiggling against the bulge that had formed in Ron's trousers. He leant back to kiss along Ron's neck as he kept his eyes trained on Malfoy.  
  
"All right, bitch, get to work."


End file.
